never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
