the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
