I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
