I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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