i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
