I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
