my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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