billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
