I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
