You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
