there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
