i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
