Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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