She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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