My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i barfeds in our rink
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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