is your mom at the bar?
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
