she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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