She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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