the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
