My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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