well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
