if i can run in heels then i can drive
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
