Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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