by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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