I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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