its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
