I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
