So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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