We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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