so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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