I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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