1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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