Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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