Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize