also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
