the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
