Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
