so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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