First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
