Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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