apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
