Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
