It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
