For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
