Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
