i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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