If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
