I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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