I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The adults are the big ones right?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize