i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
