new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
