Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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