God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
