Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize