"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
