Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
