Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
