capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize