I just threw up on my dentist
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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