Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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